the shrunken panties

Hmmm.... I'm not sure , but I think my panties might have shrunk in the dryer. Personal, I realize... but true.

Notice how, even this very moment, you can't really FEEL your undies? They're there (for the majority of you at least). But cha can't really feel them unless you concentrate. But today, I noticed, that mine must have shrunk. Cause I can feel them. Pinchy, uncomfy, noticeable. Great. Just great. It's the cosmic sign from above that those few extra pounds have finally added up to be more than just a few extra. Did I say GREAT! Does Hoodia work? I get tons of email for it. At this junction, one must decide. Do I get up off my (growing) butt and do something, or do I go and buy bigger undies. @#$%#?@#!

Anybody? Anybody? great...

On a lighter note...

The formosa trees are in bloom... and it made me think of you & smile.

Connection

I believe that we all have a connection. Most of the time, we never know it. When I read "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" I was further convinced. It focuses on people that you've impacted both positively and negatively and never known it. "Sliding Doors" is a really good movie that addresses the topic too. It can be a little disturbing if you think about it hard enough. If I hadn't stopped to brush my teeth, would I have gone through the green light 20 seconds sooner and been broadsided by that truck? Is the person standing beside me in line contemplating suicide, and I should say hello in a friendly compassionate voice so that person might rethink the fact that the whole world is evil? A car was following me on the interstate yesterday, and a small girl, maybe 8 or 10, was in the front seat, she looked like she could cry. It struck me odd, because she seemed to small to be there. She didn't have her seatbelt on. Her mom, I assumed, looked drowsy and even appeared to be nodding off. The horror... I felt sure I'd read about it this morning in the paper. Was I supposed to have done something? What? I firmly believe that we cross people's path for a reason. That we have been planted in each other's lives for a defined purpose. I'm trying to be sensitive to that still small voice that reminds me what my purpose is...

"Will she have a good day?"

It was the most innocent, most thought provoking question. My daughter (4) got to play hookie from preschool for a few hours this morning and went with me to do a good deed. I love senior citizens. I haven't had much interaction with any since my grandmother Ruby died over 4 years ago. (remember the Reece's cups?) So, on Wednesdays I call BINGO at the local Chick-fil-A from 9-10 AM. It's fun, and I love it. I let myself believe that they love me too... this is not at all my point.

As we were leaving CFA this morning, I cheerfully said "Have a good day!" to the manager on duty. She replied the same to me. As we walked out, my daughter asked the question.... "Will she have a good day?" Wow. The heartfelt quandary and depth of concern in her voice was almost spooky. So much so, that it has left me thinking about it all day. I don't know what's going on in that lady's life, very few people probably do. It's a job she has that places her in the public, much like most of us. We put on a smile, and aim to be polite and memorable. But the variables that go into 'good day' vs. 'bad day' are massive.. Except when you're 4. It's all pretty simple.

Have a good day...

...gone fishin'

It's our newest little obsession... trying to catch an innocent little fish. My four-year-old daughter has it as goal, and I've actually touched a worm to help her achieve it. It's a hilarious story actually... that started with a simple question to "Murray" in the Wal-mart outdoors department. "Excuse me, do you have live bait??"

He did. Great... just great. Then came the lengthy explaination of how worms differ from nightcrawlers. It came complete with dumping the little tub into a big plastic tray so we could see our 'bait' before we purchased it. Fun... really fun. You may not know it, but those worms will live in that plastic tub for up to two months if kept cool. Cool. Like, in the fridge... right alongside the cottage cheese tub? Hmmm... no. Luckily we have a fridge in the garage.

So, tonight... I put a giagantic fat nightcrawler on a hook. It was pretty cool. We didn't catch a fish... but man, the fun we had trying! Well, we did... but I don't think the worms had much fun.

A photographer's gift

Most of you out here in blogland reading this, aren't photographers. I know that. But, most likely you're humans, and know other humans. So, from one human to another (and any photographers reading) I feel compelled to tell you about a new ministry that I've recently learned about: "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep."

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com is an organization of parents that have suffered the loss of a newborn baby, and a group of photographers volunteering their time to capture the only portraits of that baby that will ever exist. The website is hard to view. I guarantee it will chill you. These tiny babies don't make it. No first step, no first birthday, no first tooth or word. Some of them, not even a first breath or cry.

As a photographer, it's easy to forget the ministry we have the talent to fulfill. It's powerful. For those of us out here that have healthy kids yelling "MOMMY!!" every five seconds, it's a heartbreaking reminder that life could have been horribly different.

No matter who you are or what your talent is... you have an opportunity to be involved in the life of someone out there. Even if it's hard, it's always powerful. But sometimes you are impacting a person's life, even when you don't get to know it.

I know that meeting these families will be difficult, and taking pictures of a still baby will be gutwrenching and foreign, but it's a gift that I have the power to give. Make sure you know what your gift is.

I love to cut the grass

For as long as I can remember, I've loved to cut the grass. I used to do it for my dad when I lived at home, and vividly remember the day that I promoted to the riding lawnmower... I was about 8 (maybe 10). It was something that we did together, dad on the push, me on the riding. He'd weedeat while I got the lemonade ready. Then we'd sit on the swing and admire our work while we talked. It's a fond memory...

Now that I'm married... I'm feeling some stirrings (mostly from neighbors and friends) that mowing is mens work. I disagree. My hub is highly allergic and rather than listen to him moan and groan for two hours afterward with a cold washcloth over his eyes... I'd rather do it myself. It's two hours of tranquility... silence... mind clearing solitary that a mom just can't find very easily these days. Two hours of alone time, with little to concentrate on, and a visible result when you're finished. Yes, it is hot & sweaty work. You will probably require a shower afterward.. but, I was most likely going to take one of those today anyway! So... until my daughter is 8 (maybe 10) and she earns her seat on the mower, she's busy making koolaid for us to enjoy together on the porch when I'm finished.

It's all about the memories.

The slumber party

If you haven't been to a girls only, stay up until 2AM, enjoy a glass of wine, talk your heart out, eat a big breakfast in the morning, slumber party in awhile... form one up for this weekend!!! (I'm game!) While you'll be a little tired the next day and long for a nap, those hours of laughing and crying with girlfriends is priceless!!

And, for those of you craving more of Tracy's world famous Chocolate Chip Cheeseball Dip... here ya go!

1 (8 oz) package of cream cheese, softened
1/2 Cup butter, softened
3/4 Cup confectioners sugar
2 Tablespoons brown sugar
1/4 Teaspoon vanilla extract
3/4 Cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips
3/4 Cup finely chopped pecans (optional)

Beat together cream cheese and butter until smooth. Mix in confectioners sugar, brown sugar, and vanilla. Sir in chocolate chips (& nuts). Cover, and chill in the refridgerator a few hours before serving. Best served with graham sticks, vanilla wafers, apple slices**

**And as we discovered Saturday, it's also excellent on oreos, strawberries, pound cake & whipped cream!! You only live once, and if you do it once... once is enough!!

My biggest enemy

Phew, sorry my sabatical took so long... but sometimes life comes at ya fast! My hubby came home from China last night and it's a little weird here now. I expected it'd be crazy love & wild tenderness... but so far it's a little awkward. He's zombied and tired, and I just want to tell him EVERYTHING! I tackled some HUGE projects while he was away. Painted our bathroom cabinets, gutted the garage and organized it, hung shelves and hooks to get crap off the floor... big stuff. And, now I've fallen victim to my biggest enemy... my own expectations. That's always when I get crushed the easiest, when I expect something to happen and then it doesn't. Nobody's fault but my own really. He didn't go on and on about my progress (& effort) the way I hoped he would. But, he had been on a plane for 14 hours... hmm... that might have been it.

You too might have the same void that I experience when I expect something to happen, and it doesn't. We can translate it as a lack of emotion, or a lack of love. If he 'loved' me more, he would have 'known' to have dinner ready when I got home because he should have 'known' that I'd had a hard day. So when dinner isn't ready? I assume he must love me a little less. The truth? He's preoccupied with other stuff and probably doesn't even realize it's dinner time! Men are distracted. Women are focused. (general observation!) Someone once told me to explain things to my hubby the way I would explain it to my 16 year old nephew. Wow... that cleared some things up for me!

Overall what I learned by being 13 hours away from him for 12 days, is that 'love' is not dependent on him doing something or forgetting to do something. Love is a deeply-seeded, inner bond, a connection on a microscopic level that forms us into one creation with one purpose. So, my goal is to stress less about those expectations, and dwell more on today and the beauty of it.

Maybe I am Superwoman!

I've spent a long time telling myself that I'm not a superwoman/ supermom... that it's ok if I can't do everything and be everything. I shouldn't be expected to, and I shouldn't put guilt on myself when I can't.

But, it dawns on me today... what if I really AM Superwoman? I feel like I am! What if I really possess Supermom capabilities and strength? I feel like I do! I can do anything I set my mind to (and so can you by the way)! I trudge on through even when I'm in unfamiliar territory because I HAVE to. I moved large heavy things in my garage all by myself with inginutiy and smarts . I'm educated, motivated, stimulated, (what else ends in 'ated'?) I'm definately alive, I opened my eyes this morning. It's a new day. I have a to-do list (don't we all) and I'm brave enough to knock it out. A new empowerment fills me... maybe... just maybe... I really am Superwoman!

“Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come from miles to watch you burn.” John Wesley

Cars on a cable

Where I grew up there was a big amusement park (Opryland) that had a ride called the Tin Lizzies. They were old timey cars on a metal track, so all you really did was push the gas pedal and steer a few inches to the left or right. There wasn't any way to venture far from the cable. There's two directions this metaphor can go. Life is predetermined and we don't really have control to make choices that matter... or we're protected against the possibility of running ourselves off course. Sometimes it's frustrating to think that no matter how much I try I can't change directions, and I feel stuck. Other times it's comforting to know that I can just take my hands off the wheel and enjoy the ride.

Life really is an hourglass glued to the table. It's up to us to use this time wisely.

What the lonely is for

Lonely is a hopeless feeling. Empty and abandoned and full of things that you can't share with the one you love. I'm a pretty visual person, and when I envision my heart, I see it as a series of cubbyholes and rooms and dark cambers, pathways and tunnels down the roads of where I've been and where I am now. Every single one is there by design, and has a purpose. Some rooms I lock away the pain of past mistakes, others I fill with friendships and jubilent love. So when I get lonely... hmm, that's only a sign that some room is empty, and that room is there by design. And when I feel hollow that's just my proof that there's more for me to follow, more for me to find. That's what the lonely is for. To remind me that I have space for more love inside my heart. To remind me that I'm not filling up on the goodness around me or taking the time to replenish my relationships. So today I'll try to realize that lonely is not emptiness, it's availability. There's room for more.