Guilty skeletons!

So, it's been awhile (again!) and I'm happy to report that life here has taken a turn for the better. (could be the extra meds!) But, harmony has returned to our vocabulary.

I... had a little talk with Jesus about some deep-seated issues in my life which my therapist friend Tom (love him!!) labeled as 'guilt'. Here's a sort of hard to follow analogy that weight & self esteem are the "tail of the dog". You don't approach a dog from the back, you approach from the front (the problem) and once you solve that, then the symptoms (the tail) wag in response involuntarily. So, let's not fix the symptom (weight issues) let's fix the problems (the guilt?). Hmmm.... what am I feeling guilty about?

Well geez, where does one start!?!?! My 20's? There's a whole decade of destruction I'd just as soon forget! Funny thing about our brains... they just DON"T LET US FORGET!!! So, I'm contemplating dealing. It's a dangerous and scary thought to look inward at the deep dark corners of old dusty closets where all the guilt skeletons are stored. Locked away in hopes of somehow vanishing on their own. Darn. They're still there!!!

Tom said that guilt is a spiritual issue. Which I didn't follow. But, he explained that guilt is only healed by forgiveness. A mysterious action that we mere humans are never fully going to understand. Or think ourselves worthy of. But you know what, I think it's at least it's worth asking for, and believing in... because the alternative is too heavy to carry anymore all by myself.

When the going gets tough...

... the tough go blogging! Yes, it's been a few days. I don't pretend to have a cult following that would really notice, but thanks to the few (ok, one) that noticed! But geez, life is hard. And it kinda comes at you from nowhere. blah blah blah... Seriously though... it begs some hard questions...

Do you have an inner child? I always thought that was newage speak, but now I'm starting to wonder. I think mine likes to color, turn cartwheels, and go roller-skating. It's a deep thought, but I think some of the issues I'm dealing with as of late are because my inner child is jealous of my real one. I resent her innocence and charm, I long to be both of those again. My childhood was full of perfection and measuring up, and I see myself trying to force that on her.

Do you think that babies have memory from their time in the womb? Most of what we are seeing is seperation related, a very real form of panic and anxiety at being out of her sight. I'm wondering if she has any memory or acute awareness of the wreck that almost killed us both when I was 8 months pregnant with her. Almost two hours passed while they cut me out of the car. All that adreanaline and fear has to leave a mark somewhere? It sure did on me.

I'm so thankful that we're allowed to be a work-in-progress. Because if I had to know that 'this' is the finished version of me... I'd be really dissapointed! So I'm digging in, and doing some research. Not allowing myself to be a victim of my own ignorance. I feel like I should wear one of those signs you see at a remodeling project around town "Please pardon our dust - we're improving for you!"